I woke up in the middle of the night worried about whether I should really be putting on this show we’ve got planned for November.
I want to do it because it’s a good cause and because I think it’ll be fun if it goes okay, and because the opportunity is there.
On the other hand there’s a chance it won’t go well, it won’t be fun and I’ll end up feeling regret about doing it in the first place.
There’s a part of me that likes to take risks like this, that finds value in confronting fears I have about public events, and things have mostly gone well on that front in the past.
However, this one’s different because I don’t feel like I have an organization or real support network behind me, and there are a lot of seats to fill.
I’m feeling ghosts of the past: insecurity, introversion and lack of confidence to get it done.
And last night anyway I felt the ghosts of my mother’s neurosis and insomnia kick in.
If I don’t do it, I’ll probably sleep easier and there are plenty of other things to focus on.
If I do it and it goes well, I’ll feel happy.
If I do it and it doesn’t go well there’s a chance I’ll feel at least somewhat mortified, and it could take some time to recover.
I don’t like that it’s so volatile in that I feel confident one day when some band or act says they’ll be a part of it, then crestfallen the next when someone else pulls out.
Ugh, I’m a mess.
Feeling fragile about it all at the moment.
